Monthly Archives: November 2014

7 Weeks After Our Loss…

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Our monogrammed car seat canopies we ordered for the girls. We have decided to have each turned into a pillow that for now we will keep in our room, and I imagine one day giving to our future children as we tell them about their beautiful older sisters…

D:Every Monday I struggle. This is the 7th Monday since I lost Rylie and Avary. It should be my 27 week mark today, but instead it is the 7 week mark since we lost our precious angels. While I used to look forward to Mondays during the pregnancy, I now only feel pain. It was a Monday when we had our first doctor appointment and confirmed our pregnancy, and it was a Monday when we found out we were having twins. All of our baby bump pictures were on Mondays, and it’s the day my 3 apps sent me weekly baby updates…

Now Monday is the day I lost the girls. And it seems every Monday I have trouble getting out of bed. I have trouble getting going for the day, and I replay over and over in my head what was exactly happening on that day. At 8:40 am my water broke unexpectedly. At 2:40 and 2:45 pm my perfect little bees were born. At 8:40 pm we handed our sweet babies back to the nurses for the final time… The times run over and over in my head on Mondays. We didn’t ‘plan’ it this way- but it was exactly 12 hours that day- start to finish. It went by in an instant. At 8:40 a.m. my world came crashing down and while I prayed and begged God for everything to be okay, I think I knew… At 8:40 p.m. as I handed my lifeless children over to the nurse for the last time and clung to my husband as we sobbed, our new reality came crashing down… and while I continue to pray and beg God to let everything be okay, now-a-days ‘okay’ means something so different.. ‘Okay’ now means just helping me to get through the day, to see the sunshine, to feel my girls around me, and to have hope…

The horror of that day runs over and over in my mind. I remember every moment, and yet at the same time I don’t remember a thing… it is the strangest thing to have such a significant and emotional day go by so quickly….Our counselor has suggested continuing to talk out that day- the fear and terror and anxiousness that consumed my being that day… He believes that like any PTSD, the more I suppress or not express how that morning felt for me, the scarier I will continue to make it in my head…. versus if I keep telling the story, I’m facing it- and it won’t feel so overwhelming over time… So below is my raw memory of that morning- the first 15 minutes of the best and worst day of my life. The day I gave birth to my beautiful amazing daughters,  and the day I prematurely delivered and lost my twins…. I am giving this trigger warning.

I had no idea anything was wrong. None. I had been ‘crampy’ through out  my entire pregnancy due to constipation, and I had recently been having back pain. Explained back pain… I got up that morning feeling good, made Eric a lunch and kissed him goodbye as he left for work. I started a shopping list for the day, ate a bowl of cereal, getting ready on this Monday to start the week. I thought I had to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t unlike a feeling I had experienced many times over the weeks. Only this time was different. Feeling something wasn’t quite ‘right’, as I looked down I actually saw my fluid filled sac. I didn’t even know that was possible. I saw it and my immediate thought was maybe if I didn’t move it would go back where it belonged… And then it broke. I sat stunned for a few seconds, and then I got up to find my phone, saying over and over “no, no, no, Oh God, it’s too early, it’s too early…” I ran up the stairs to our bedroom, water literally pouring out between my legs. I grabbed a towel, found my phone and called Eric. “My water broke. God Eric, it’s too early. I’m so afraid. Oh God….” and as he rushed home I called 911. While on the phone with the operator, I scrambled down stairs to crate the dog, unlock the door for the EMTs, and find my insurance card… I was panicking and terrified… and I slipped on water that had come out of me… and I fell down the last 3 stairs, phone flying out of my hand. At the time my biggest concern was that I broke my phone and they would never know how to find me to save my babies… but the next day I would see the huge ugly bruise that was left on my left hip… Thank God, my phone did not break, it had accidentally muted and that is why she temporarily couldn’t hear me… she tells me not to clench my legs or to try to ‘stop’ labor if anything was to try and come out. And all I could naively think was “of course I am going to try and stop it- they have to stay in there!” All I kept saying over and over was “Oh God, it’s too early” as I sat on my living room floor with a towel between my legs soaking with the red blood that has started … within moments I heard the sirens from the ambulance.

Suddenly I was surrounded by 4 paramedics or fire fighters-whatever they were…. they were so incredibly kind… in the worst of circumstances, I felt nothing but respect and concern for my well being….I remember sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes-seeing them but not really seeing them- as I answered questions about my babies and as they put me on a gurney.

Eric arrived just as we were ready to pull away from the house. They had put me on oxygen and an IV and had electrodes and a blood pressure cuff hooked up- and that’s when Eric climbs onto the ambulance. I am full out crying by now, and as Eric holds my hand I see his mom climb onto the ambulance and she is crying and her face looks heartbroken… and I know… I know that I am holding onto hope that doesn’t exist… I knew then I was losing my babies…

Eric tried to stay strong on that short ride to the hospital. He held my hand and told me we were doing everything we needed to, and that within moments we would be surrounded by doctors that were the best of the best and that everything would be okay… I still don’t know if he truly believed that, or if he knew that was what I needed at the time….

And that is where my story will stay for now… When I feel compelled, I will continue…