Monthly Archives: August 2015

It has been 325 days…

Chloe Rose- Our 3rd daughter. 15 weeks

Chloe Rose- Our 3rd daughter. 15 weeks

It has been 325 days since we lost Rylie and Avary. 46 weeks. And 39 weeks since I last posted. I honestly cannot believe that much time has gone by. Not much has changed. I haven’t allowed much to change. I am still withdrawn and prefer to be alone. I continue to feel distant from people I once felt so close to. Despite my current state, I still cringe and turn away when I see pregnant women out in public. I am pregnant again; closing in now on the gestation I was 326 days ago with the twins. It is strange and painful to think about being pregnant 2 years in a row; to be expecting our 3rd daughter- but to still sit alone in silence in our home as I write this. The balance of truly longing and praying for this sweet girl to be alive and breathing and in our arms this winter…. and the intense pain and grief we continue to feel on a daily basis from the loss of our sweet girls. The balance-or rather the attempt to balance the two- is unnerving at times. To know that had Avary and Rylie lived- had I had 2 beautiful bouncing little 7 month old girls scooting around on their tummies right now- I would not be expecting our beautiful Chloe Rose… Eric and I like to say that Chloe would have been our baby we had accidentally become pregnant with even if the girls had lived. She would have been the pregnancy that made our eyes get big and our families eyes get even bigger when we announced that we would be having another beautiful baby girl so quickly after the twins. She would have been exactly 1 year younger than Avary and Rylie and people would have said to us, “You guys are CRAZY!” And maybe we would have been, but our family would have been complete then. I find immense comfort in thinking that even if our sweet angel bees had lived, that Chloe still would have entered our lives, right when she did. I don’t like imagining or having to think that having had one would have changed the course in life of the other. I don’t like having to think about ‘choosing’ between my children. It’s not fair, and I’ll never do it. Even if Rylie and Avary had been able to bless us with their continued presence here on earth, Chloe would still be on her way…. This is my life, my reality. And this is how I want to see it. 

Eric and I struggled with telling people about our pregnancy, even though we knew people expected it… We feared the responses we would get from people- the innocent and overly zealous “congratulations!!!!” as though announcing we were expecting a baby meant we were actually going to get one to keep this time… we are not that naive anymore. We hold out hope and faith, we are following all of our precautions and seeing the doctors weekly now for the next several… but that still isn’t a guarantee. The statistics that most babies make it no longer provides comfort to the parents pregnant again after loss. We are trying to make the most of this pregnancy- no matter how much time we have left. Daddy kisses mommy’s belly before leaving for work each morning, and we committed to referring to baby as “Chloe” starting the moment we found out she was a girl. No matter how long we have with Chloe- 70 more years or 1 more day…. she is our 3rd daughter. She will always be our 3rd born child, and she deserves to have an identity now, right away, and to bond with mommy and daddy as such. We are doing things we had done with the twins- buying a stuffed animal for her the day we knew we were expecting, picking out a ‘theme’ all her own… but we are also doing things we wish now we had done with the twins. When we were pregnant with A&R we just plain thought we had more time. We didn’t order every single ultrasound image or have the girl’s heartbeats recorded- we had plenty of time left in the pregnancy where we would have ‘better images’ and the recommended time for ultimate DVD viewing of our girls. After we lost them, I longed to have something to hold that contained their heartbeats… I longed to be able to see again Rylie kicking Avary in the head on ultrasound as we giggled at how precious they were (a memory I hold only in my mind and heart now…). We decided very early on in this pregnancy that we would do whatever we felt we needed or wanted. We want to feel that even if this pregnancy ends tragically again, that we have the memories that we want to have from the time we did all get together…. this is something we took from our pregnancy and loss of our girls…. we won’t take anything for granted. We will make our memories now, and continue to hope and pray that we will have many many more years of memories to make with our sweet Chloe. rainbow rainbowannouncement