Capture Your Grief 2017 Day 1: Sunrise Blessing

Sunrise Oak Park, IL USA 6:48 am

Sunrise Oak Park, IL USA 6:48 am

#captureyourgrief 2017 Day 1: Sunrise Blessing.

This is my 4th year participating in Carly Marie’s Capture Your Grief Project- a 31 Day grief project to honor the month of October and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The project has changed and evolved in the last 4 years, and I think I am sincerely content with the changes that have been made this year relative to where I feel I am at in my grief journey.

The project this year asks you to mindfully focus on being present each day of the month in order to become more in touch with yourself and where ever you may be on your own journey. To consciously take meditative time to be present, to feel those you have lost, and to finds Acts which honor their lives so that ‘Their Light Shines On’- the topic of this year’s CYG. Through YOU being a healthier YOU you can better honor their memory, their life, their legacy…

I feel this is appropriate for me and for where I stand today- 3 years and 15 days after Rylie and Avary died. I do not always find the time for ‘me’. I often go through my busy day without actually having time set aside to feel close to them, to talk to them, to honor the little girls who made me who I am today. I would say I ‘get by’ most days. I seldom cry anymore, I get out of bed every single day and I push on. The worst imaginable thing has happened to me- and yet I push on- what choice do any of us really have??

And so this year I plan to really focus on the meditation, the few minutes each day where I can focus on ME, on THEM, on finding a way to really live each day and be present, instead of just getting by…

My plan at bed last night was to wake up at 5am and get in the car to head downtown. Find a spot along the lake where I could park my car in order to find the perfect sunrise for this morning’s Sunrise Blessing. I would have rushed out of the house, rushed into the city, and watched my clock as I fumbled to park, gotten out of my car, and found that perfect spot. When my alarm went off this morning, I changed my mind. This has been a fault of mine over the past 3 years. Trying to make everything I do for Rylie and Avary perfect, as though that would somehow make everything just a little better. Nothing short of them coming back will ever allow for my life to be perfect. Nothing. No perfectly manicured garden, no perfect laid out day for a 3rd-Birthday-in-Heaven, and no Sunrise…. so instead I grabbed a sweater and a blanket and stayed in my pajamas as I sat on the back porch of our home-overlooking the twins’ garden- and allowed myself to be consciously present and aware as the hues in the east sky began to rise and change from a hazy purple, to a pink, to a fully lite fall morning…. I did not actually get to see the sun as it peeked over the horizon on this brisk, beautiful moment. that’s not real for me. That’s not real life. That’s chaos leading up to trying to create the perfect moment…. This- what I did instead- allowed me the past hour of peaceful reflection as I watched the sky change, listened to the neighbor’s waterfall, focused on that heart- calming deep breathing, and talked to my babies…. at exactly the moment of ‘sunrise’ here- 6:48am- 2 squirrels chased each other through the neighbors tree, across our fence, and into the other neighbors tree. My signs always come in twos…. 2 little squirrels today saying ‘Mama we approve’….

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